The Soothsayer

Old Mother Cholmondley-Smythson-Gore, eccentric aristocratic soothsayer who has gradually turned to lard over the years, and has to be kept in the secret bunker over towards Wethersfield.

Cult members consult her once a year... but she won’t talk to them because she once danced with Lord Mountbatten, and they are mere serfs. She may condescend to a rune, if Mercury is retrograde in Gemini. Verbal information and prophecies are conveyed, for a rather large fee, via her faithful retainer, Ernesto 'Che' Parkin (below).

Illegitimate offspring of Sir Oulthwaite Parkin (one of the Yorkshire Parkins) and an Argentinian armadillo breeder whom Oulthwaite had seduced on his Grand Tour of the Americas, visiting the Parkin brass mines and ruthlessly putting down the nascent workers’ movement, the Puddingistas. Ernesto’s mother was a founder member.

Ernest, as he prefers to be known, has repressed all signs of his exotic birthright, but every year at midnight on July 24th, Simon Bolivar’s birthday, he dances a black salsa with Old Mother CSG.

And he is a pushover for dulce de latte sandwiches.