Cult of Ffynche

Dear Marge

My husband has recently joined the Cult of Ffynche, and spends many hours in his shed. He upgraded the wifi and has taken his computer out there. He tells me he is practising secret rituals, and zooming with fellow members. It’s wonderful that he has a hobby at last. But he didn’t put the bins out last week. Should I be worried?

Elspeth, Suffering Boredom

 

Dear Elspeth

Putting out the bins is a high duty for Cult members, regardless of the risk of incompetence. This is a matter of concern, and we will reinforce our advice to members. Eventually, as your husband gains knowledge, you may be able to trust him with a white wash, though this may currently seem some distance off in his case. Maintain a strict supervisory regime and the Cult rituals will train him to be an upstanding member both at home and in the community — well, at least in fine weather!

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Dear Marge

I have been asked by a friend if I wanted to join the Cult of Ffynche. I have read some of the literature, and it seems to be inspired by Professor Eric Frogspawn’s concept of Contrapunctual Metamodernism. Is there any truth in this?

Humphrey, Boyton’s Lane

 

Dear Humphrey

Frogspawn’s movement split from ours several years ago in an event we call the Night of the Long Spiles. He was found in the Cult cellar tampering with ale barrels — and was asked to surrender his emblems of office within the hour. We remain true to our Subliminal Absurdist roots, flirting as we do with the schools of Synergetic Blooming Ridiculism and the more academic elements within the British trend in Daft Hapethism. I hope this helps with your decision!

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Dear Ms Partridge

Could you explain what your Cult is doing about Climate Change?

Concerned Citizen, Little London

 

Dear Concerned Citizen

Cult activities are aimed at reducing carbon emissions at all times. We find that as members become increasingly engaged in our activities, their desire to travel is curbed by endless locally-based Challenging Rituals. We occasionally use our 3-tonne hydrogen-powered truck to transport ritual instruments, and encourage members to wear multiple layers of silly clothing in winter when indoors. Write to me again if you think we can do more!

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Some questions awaiting Ms Partridge’s answers:

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Dear Auntie Marge

I’ve been trying to fit my truss for the Rodding of the Truss ceremony. I’ve been finding the nadger-belt a little tight even when sitting. Performing the sashay and bow is pure agony. Are you the right person to ask for advice?

Billy, your nephew, Howe Lane

 

Dear Marge

I was told when I joined the Cult that it was 'All About the Music'. But since I signed up, I seem to be spending all my time writing idiotic juvenilia on my laptop. Was I conned? Can you help?

Ernie, Sumpstead Road

 

Dear Marge

My cat Sooty has gone astray. He’s an all-white tom with a touch of ginger on his ears. Do you sacrifice animals? I need to know right now.

Catherine, Pett’s Corner

 

Dear Marge

I read in the newspaper that Ms Tiddles garden was flooded again last night. I thought this was all sorted out. What’s going on?

Concerned Neighbour, The Green

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Dear Marge

Since becoming indoctrinated by the so-called 'Cult of Ffynche', my Dad takes pleasure in listening to Bob Dylan and watching cricket. Is this reversible?

Worried Daughter, Hutton

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Dear Marge

The Cult have gone very quiet during the pandemic. I don't trust them. What do you think they're up to?

Dreading-to-think, Chiddington Copse